The Best Gifts

Three years ago today, I was sitting in my fertility doctor's office thinking I would never get pregnant. All I knew was that I wanted a baby and it wasn't happening. I clearly remember that it was Valentine's day because there were flowers being delivered to the girl behind the desk. My husband and I had been trying for 14 months and I was starting to lose hope. 14 months is nothing compared to what some couples go through to have a baby, but in my mind it was forever. There were people I knew that had gotten pregnant and had a baby in the amount of time that I was still trying in.

I think trying to get pregnant and not being able to is one of the most painful things a person could ever have to go through. It eats away at you. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered if I did something so wrong that God wouldn't let me get pregnant. It ate away at my insides. I was forced at times to reevaluate everything I had always wanted in my life, to face the reality that the way I had planned my life and the dreams I had had since I was a little girl just would never happen. I often wondered if my husband regretted marrying me, after all I couldn't give him the family that we both knew we wanted. It makes you feel like less of a woman. Women are supposed to be mothers. Why couldn't I be one?

Little did I know that I would be pregnant within days. I just may have been pregnant sitting there that day. I didn't know that I was about to receive the most incredible Valentine's day gift I would ever get. Allison & Bridget. Followed 20 months later by Erin. How was I to know in that moment of hopelessness that these three incredible people were about to come into my life? These girls that make me thank God everyday. They make me wonder what good thing I must have done to deserve to be able to call them my daughters. They make me proud to be who I am, because I created them. And they are amazing.

I could never have imagined on that Valentine's day three years ago that I would have this love in my life. This incredible, all-encompassing love. Before these girls came into my life, I never really knew what it was like to love someone with this kind of fierceness. My parents always said that you could never really understand until you were a parent yourself. And now I understand. I love my children with every cell in my body, with every inch of my being.

Now I wonder if there was a reason I had to wait 14 months to get pregnant. I think that maybe I appreciate the gifts of Allison, Bridget & Erin just a little bit more. I had to work just a little harder to get them. I know how precious each of their lives are. Three years ago today, there was a piece of me missing, but today I have what I have always dreamed of. A husband I love who loves me, three beautiful, incredible children, and heart that is bursting at the seams with love.

Happy Valentines Day